BLONDE JOKE ARCHIVES - April 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Blonde Archives 04.22.05 Two women jump off a bridge, one was blonde and the other brunette. Who hits the ground first? The brunette, she just fell but the blonde had to stop to ask for directions. What's the matter? 04.22.05 A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....." Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??" "No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!" Don't knock the headphones! 04.22.05 There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this is what it said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...." You've Got Mail 04.14.05 A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again. She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box." The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail." Rate This Joke: 15 (  +  |   -   ) Death Row 04.14.05 Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!" Rate This Joke: 11 (  +  |   -   ) Why are you yelling? 04.14.05 A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!" In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. Rate This Joke: 16 (  +  |   -   ) Fallen Bridge 04.14.05 A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back. He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back." She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!" Rate This Joke: 13 (  +  |   -   ) Killing Spree 04.14.05 A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" Rate This Joke: 14 (  +  |   -   ) Blonde Medical Terminology 04.08.05 Artery -- Study of paintings Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U Caesarean section -- District in Rome Cat scan -- Searching for kitty Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her Colic -- Sheep dog Coma -- A punctuation mark Congenital -- Friendly D&C -- Where Washington is Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events Dilate -- To live long Enema -- Not a friend Fester -- Quicker Fibula -- A small lie G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game Grippe -- Suitcase Hangnail -- Coathook Impotent -- Distinguished, well known Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee Labor pain -- Got hurt at work Medical staff -- Doctor's cane Morbid -- Higher offer Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate Node -- Was aware of Outpatient -- Person who had fainted Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis Post operative -- Letter carrier Protein -- Favoring young people Rectum -- It almost killed him Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery Rheumatic -- Amorous Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf Secretion -- Hiding anything Seizure -- Roman emperor Serology -- Study of knighthood Tablet -- Small table Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport Tibia -- Country in North Africa Tumor -- An extra pair Urine -- Opposite of you're out Varicose -- Located nearby Vein -- Conceited Rate This Joke: 15 (  +  |   -   ) Three Sacks 04.08.05 A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack. He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next. When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag. He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer. Rate This Joke: 12 (  +  |   -   ) Locked Car 04.08.05 Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue: Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down! Rate This Joke: 11 (  +  |   -   ) Soda Machine 04.08.05 A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?" The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!" Rate This Joke: 10 (  +  |   -   ) New Windows 04.08.05 Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with expensive double panel energy-efficient kind. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for the window replacement. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. I proceeded to tell him that his fast talking sales manager had told me at the time of installation that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard from him since. Guess I won that argument. 04.05.05 Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?? A: She drowns it -melissa.h Rate This Joke: 16 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Blonde Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved