BLONDE JOKE ARCHIVES - June 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Blonde Archives Three Dumb Blondes 06.29.05 There were three dumb blonde guys on an island who found an old pot and started rubbing at it, when suddenly out popped a genie. The genie told them that he only could grant 3 wishes so they would each get one. The first guy asked the genie to make him smarter so he got turned into a red-head. The second guy wanted to be even smarter than the first, so the genie turned him into a brunette. Then the last guy wished to be even smarter than both his friends... ...so the genie turned him into a woman. Rate This Joke: 33 (  +  |   -   ) Special Diet 06.29.05 A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." "No, from all that skipping." Rate This Joke: 27 (  +  |   -   ) Blonde Drinks 06.29.05 A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender for some drinks: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender: "What is a B and C?" Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" Rate This Joke: 14 (  +  |   -   ) Painting the House 06.10.05 This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....For best results, put on two coats. Rate This Joke: 25 (  +  |   -   ) Getting Pregnant 06.10.05 There were three girls, a blonde, a brunette and a red head and the were at the doctors office because they had all gotten pregnant. As they were sitting there talking, the brunette said "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top". The red head said "Well I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom." The blonde starded crying hysterically and the other two girls asked "What's wrong?" The blonde said "Oh no I'm going to have puppies!" Rate This Joke: 14 (  +  |   -   ) Completely Nude 06.10.05 Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men Rate This Joke: 34 (  +  |   -   ) Heart Attack 06.10.05 Two blondes were waiting at the Pearly Gates and struck up a conversation. First blonde says "How did you die?" Second says "I froze to death". First blonde says "Must have been awful." Second blonde says "How did you die?" First blonde says "I had a heart attack, I knew my husband was being unfaithful so I came home unexpectedly one day and rushed to the bedroom and found my husband alone reading. I rushed to the basement and nobody was hiding there, I rushed to the attic and still no one, and after all that rushing around I had a heart attack and died." Second blonde says, "If only you'd looked in the freezer we'd both still be alive." Rate This Joke: 21 (  +  |   -   ) Blonde Memo to Boss 06.03.05 TO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: Januark Februark Mak Julk I also changed all the days of each week to: Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!! Rate This Joke: 6 (  +  |   -   ) Boat Problems 06.03.05 During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried. After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer. Rate This Joke: 15 (  +  |   -   ) Blonde Q & A 06.03.05 Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine? A: "Daddy! can I go to Miami! Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it over and used the other side. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A: Blow in her ear. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A: There are some things even a blonde won't do. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline! Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box! Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful. Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? A: Some traffic signs say stop. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag? A: "Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?" Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. Q: What do blondes say after sex? A: "Thanks, guys!" Rate This Joke: 24 (  +  |   -   ) More Blonde Q & A 06.03.05 Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. Rate This Joke: 12 (  +  |   -   ) Even More Blonde Q & A 06.03.05 Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A: Kick open the car door. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. Q: What do blondes say after sex? A: "Are you boys all in the same band?" Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: Because she's been laid all over the country. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex ? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? A: She drops her nail-file Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A wine cellar. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Rate This Joke: 18 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Blonde Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved