FAMILY JOKE ARCHIVES - March 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Family Archives 03.23.05 Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mum : Well, you have done the right thing. Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap. Rate This Joke: -2 (  +  |   -   ) Letter to Dad 03.23.05 Dear Dad, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Joe. P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late." A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!" Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) Recognize me? 03.23.05 A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) Time to go to school 03.23.05 Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!' 'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.' 'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.' 'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!' 'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.' 'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.' 'Well, for one, you're 42 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!' Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) Son-in-law 03.23.05 A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise." The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out." Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) Hang Over 03.23.05 Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.' So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' His son says, 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.' Confused, Bill asks, 'So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?' His son replies, 'Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!' Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) Wedding Dress 03.23.05 A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white." Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 I'd like a pair of size eight tie shoes, the fellow told the salesman. "But, sir, I can see from here you're at least a size 11." "Just bring me the size eight tie shoes." The salesman brought the shoes. The guy stuffed his feet into them, then stood up in obvious pain. "I lost my business and my house," he explained, "my wife is screwing my best friend, my daughter is pregnant and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life," he sighed, "is taking off these damn shoes!" Rate This Joke: -2 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!" The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request. While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnnie: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnnie: "36" Principal: "What is 9 x 9?" Johnnie: "81" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked atthe teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade." The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks,said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?" The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face. The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?" Johnnie: "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!" Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) 03.09.05 Did you hear about the chinese couple who had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong -Meg and Alli Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) The Three Bears 03.09.05 The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear does." The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." " You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody." Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Family Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved