FAMILY JOKE ARCHIVES - June 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Family Archives Dead Cat 06.29.05 A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother. Brother 1: So how is my cat doing? Brother 2: He's Dead Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground. Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again. Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing? Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) What Not To Say To Your Dates Parents 06.29.05 * "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore." * "Show me how you used to spank her." * "Hi, I'm Hoopla69." * "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?" * "I just got my license today." * "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature." * "Five bucks says she's a D-cup." * "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?" * "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'" * "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?" Rate This Joke: 0 (  +  |   -   ) Where Babies Come From 06.29.05 One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl then explained, "Well ... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes and the daddy's wiener stands way up high and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's where babies come from." The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from ... that's where jewelry comes from." Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Politics Explained 06.29.05 A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Dad Explains Sex 06.29.05 Son: "Dad, why does love-making makes you feels good?" Dad: "Just like digging in your nose, it's feels good, right!" Son: "Why is it that guys don't usually feel as good as gals?" Dad: "Just like when you dig in your nose, it's your nose that feel good, not your finger!" Son: "Then why do gals feel bad when they are raped?" Dad: "If a stranger comes along and digs in your nose, will you feel the same way?" Son: "When girls are having their menstruation, why don't they usually want to have sex?" Dad: "If your nose is bleeding, will you still want your nose to be dug?" Son: "Dad, one last question ... why don't guys like to wear condoms when they make love?" Dad: "Would you want to wear a glove when you dig your nose?" Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Fly 06.10.05 Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the log once again, again the fly didn't fly away. This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said. "That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick." Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Moral of the Story 06.10.05 The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy", said the teacher. Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking." Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) Tragedy 06.10.05 President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No" says Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss." Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) Balloons 06.10.05 A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless... "Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts. "Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven." Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off, quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen screaming, "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Jenny is dying!" "What do you mean?" says his mother. "Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Dad's trying to blow em up for her and she keeps yelling, "Oh God, I'm coming! Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) Rosebuds 06.03.05 There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back up stairs and "dress decent." The young woman said, "No, I want to show off my rosebuds" and went out the door. The next day the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing the see through blouse without a bra. "Grandmother!! What are you doing? My boyfriend and a couple of other friends are coming over any time now!" she cried. "Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!!" The older woman replied, "Well if you can show off your rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets." Rate This Joke: 6 (  +  |   -   ) Signs Your Put Your Kid In The Wrong Pre-School 06.03.05 * Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of "Lord of the Flies." * Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some waterpaints, and no pants. * "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!" * Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers. * No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA. * Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure. * Leather-clad teacher announces that today's letters are S and M. * The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle. * She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat. * Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples. * For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato. * "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies. * The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps getting into my tequila." * On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos." Rate This Joke: 0 (  +  |   -   ) Final Words 06.03.05 Three buddies are sitting around talking one day when they begin to discuss what they would like their friends and families to say about them as they're laying in their caskets at their funerals. The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!! HE'S MOVING!!!" Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) Family Stress Test 06.03.05 How to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true. 1. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then "we can talk." 2. The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 3. The cat is on Valium. 4. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 5. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf. 6. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 7. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners. 8. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. 9. You have to check your kid's day-planner to see if he can take out the trash. 10. No-Doze gives you bulk rates. How you rate: 30 - A perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood! 20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up. 10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path? 0- 9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway? Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) The Fisherman's Sons 06.03.05 One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their good-byes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish." "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...." Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Family Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved