FAMILY JOKE ARCHIVES - August 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Family Archives None for a Month! 08.25.05 Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?" Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) Honeymoon Prayer 08.25.05 On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance." Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) Wife or Mistress 08.25.05 The architect, the artist and the engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said "I like both" "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go into the lab and get some work done." Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Good Looking Wife 08.25.05 Guy walks into a bar and orders a double scotch. Gulps it down in one drink and peeks into his shirt pocket. Orders another double scotch. Tosses it back and peeks into his shirt pocket. This process is repeated numerous times and finally after about ten the bartender asks the guy... "Buddy..Can I ask you a question?" Guy looks at him through bleary eyes and says sure. Bartender says... "What's the deal? You've knocked back about a half a bottle of scotch and after every drink you look in your shirt pocket and order another. What's in the pocket?" Guy says "Picture of my wife... and just as soon as she starts looking good... I'm heading home." Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) Beautiful Mom 08.12.05 Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," she replied as she began to remove the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter," asked little Johnny. "Giving up?" Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Most Wanted 08.12.05 Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture!" Rate This Joke: -2 (  +  |   -   ) Differences Between Boys and Girls 08.12.05 Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. - First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse... so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - Ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt. - Now take off my bra... which he does. - And now, Johnny, please take off my panties. and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!" Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) Johnny...Johnny...Johnny 08.12.05 A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, and Johnny," she answered. "They're all named Johnny?" he asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call Johnny,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, Johnny, come eat your dinner," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Family Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved