LAWYER JOKE ARCHIVES - March 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Lawyer Archives 03.30.05 What's wrong with Lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes. Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) Death Bed 03.30.05 An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000." Rate This Joke: -2 (  +  |   -   ) 03.30.05 A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) 03.23.05 Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident? An ambulance stopped suddenly. Rate This Joke: -2 (  +  |   -   ) 03.23.05 A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut. Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) 03.23.05 A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed. A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!" Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) 03.23.05 A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other." "Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?" Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law." Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 Four surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like to operate on electricians- everthing inside is color coded. The second said,"I like to operate on librarians, everything inside them is in alphabetical order. The third said,"Construction workers are the best because they just dont care if there are parts left over when the jobs finished." The fifth said,"No, you are all wrong, the best patients are Lawyers. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable! -John Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) 03.09.05 Q: What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter? A: Sue!! -Chris Rate This Joke: 10 (  +  |   -   ) 03.09.05 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: No. A3: Good! Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of feces? A: The bucket. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his rear. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetary. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. Rate This Joke: -2 (  +  |   -   ) Marriage in Heaven 03.09.05 There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday." Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord, where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again." Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request." Finally, they come before the Lord the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!" The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven; do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?" -Dr. Dork Rate This Joke: 9 (  +  |   -   ) Sleep in the Barn 03.09.05 A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered... -Dr. Dork Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Lawyer Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved