LAWYER JOKE ARCHIVES - August 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Lawyer Archives Talking to Me? 08.25.05 At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you." Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Asshole 08.25.05 A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!" A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!" So the first man asks, "Why are you a lawyer?" "NO! I'm an asshole!" Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) Under Oath 08.25.05 "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) Caught!! 08.25.05 A young lawyer went to work generating billable hours at a prestigious law firm. After six months of 20-hour days, the senior partner who had become his mentor told him that if he continued this diligence, he might someday be considered for partner. After another six months, the electricity went out one night in his office. Not being able to work, he headed home a bit earlier than usual. When he arrived there, his mentor's car was in his driveway and all the lights were out. Fearing the worst, he quietly entered the front door, removed his shoes, and tiptoed upstairs where he could see by moonlight his wife and his mentor in a passionate, naked embrace. He stole back down the steps, let his car roll silently out of the driveway without starting it, then drove back to his dark office, where he sat sweating in his chair and said, "Whew, I almost got caught." Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) Cave 08.25.05 You're trapped in a cave with a cobra, grizzly, killer bees, and a lawyer. You have a gun that only has 2 bullets. What do you do? You shoot the lawyer, and then shoot him again to make sure he's dead. Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) Promotion 08.12.05 An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnite, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker." Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Lawyer's Deathbed 08.12.05 A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?" He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious. "What are you doing, honey?" she asked. "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted. Rate This Joke: -4 (  +  |   -   ) Lawyers Vs. The Bear 08.12.05 Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you." Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) Jury Duty 08.12.05 A jury commissioner received a reply in response to a jury summons. It said: I would be most happy to serve, but first you will have to make arrangements for my release from jail. Rate This Joke: -4 (  +  |   -   ) Rules are Rules 08.12.05 Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Lawyer Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved