LIST JOKE ARCHIVES - March 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | List Archives Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow 03.30.05 Text on Web pages display as Morse Code and... Graphics arrive via FedEx. You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later. Your credit card expires while ordering on-line. Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate of the year"...for 1989. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "Ping Pong". Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump. You receive e-mails with stamps on them. You click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out. Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) You know you are addicted to the Internet when... 03.30.05 -You kiss your girlfriend's home page. -Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. -Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. -All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. -And even your night dreams are in HTML. -You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. -You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. -You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au -Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. -You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. -You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. -Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. A-ll of your friends have an @ in their names. -When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. -Your dog has its own home page. -You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. -You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. -Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. -You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. -You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. -Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. -You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. -You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job. -You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. -Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." -You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01 or higher." -You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off. -The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. -You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. -Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. -As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button. Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) New Computer Viruses 03.30.05 PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software. COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would. HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory. O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat. STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism." ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic ware says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side. AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. NIKE VIRUS: Just does it. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus. Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Top Ten Reasons You Know If You Have PMS 03.30.05 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-*-**. 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. Rate This Joke: 6 (  +  |   -   ) Top 10 Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work 03.30.05 TOP TEN Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work: 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk. 1. " ...... AMEN!" Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 Perfect day for a Woman 8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses. 8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday. 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 9.15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out. 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe. 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs. 13:00 Shopping with friends. 15:00 Nap. 16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist, from a secret admirer. 16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage. 17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror. 19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 22:00 Hot shower. Alone. 22:30 Make love. 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms. Perfect Day for a Man 6:00 Alarm. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section of USA Today. 7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee. 7:30 Limo arrives. 7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport. 8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par. 11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens. 12:15 Blowjob. 12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par. 14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis. 14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas.Nap. 15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew. 16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs. 1 7:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Kathy Ireland. 19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Your team wins again. 19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York strip. 21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar. 22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs. 23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi. 23:45 Go to bed. 23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room. 23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep. Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Best T-Shirt Sayings 03.10.05 "Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" "I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead" "Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat" "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton" "Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt" "Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control" "If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees" "If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher" "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" "If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There" "Procrastinate Now" "Rehab Is for Quitters" (Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man" "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... .... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse" "The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley" Rate This Joke: 9 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 (1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators, nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contestants are finished. What is it? (2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? (3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? (4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross? (5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? (6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside? (7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? (8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them. (9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? (10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"? (11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six. (12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? (13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning? (14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s". ???????????????????????????? ANSWERS: (1) Boxing. (2) Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute. (3) Asparagus and rhubarb. (4) Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think). (5) Baseball. (6) Strawberry. (7) The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems. (8) Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle. (9) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. (10) In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west. (11) Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner. (12) Lettuce. (13) If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn't throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe. (14) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on. -BOB Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all. Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A. Have sex once a year. Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive? A. Then the jig is up. Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? A. Your therapist. Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A. If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true? A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip. Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A. Yes, your bladder. Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A. Depends on what you're doing with them. Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A. Cause you're fatter then they are. Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A. So what's your question, dipshit? Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves. Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor? A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman. Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him. Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q. When is the best time to get an epidermal? A. Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position? A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc. Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids? A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for. Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk? A. In your breasts. Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A. Yes, baby lips. Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q. How does one sanitize nipples? A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. Q. What are the terrible twos? A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A. When you see teeth marks. Q. What is the grasp reflex? A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts. Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first. Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away? A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare. Q. Do I have to have a baby shower? A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q. What causes baby blues? A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos. Q. What is colic? A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control. Q. What are night terrors? A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again. Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A. When the kids are in college -Brian Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler 03.10.05 Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. -Annette Rate This Joke: 6 (  +  |   -   ) Wisdom From Senior Citizens 03.10.05 1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it. 2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran? 3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. 5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. 9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging. 10. I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were out of stock. 11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though. 12. It was so different before everything changed. 13. Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the hydrant. 14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be. 15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident. 16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. 17. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few. 18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. 19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. 20. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 21. Living on Earth is expensive, But it does include a trip around the sun. 22. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if your in the bathroom. 23. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. 24. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that). 25. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). 26.When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess. 27. If you are living on the edge, make sure your wearing your seatbelt 28. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead. 29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 30. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 32. Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere. 33. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. 34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth -Brian Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 This one has been used before, but it is a classic, so here it is again, with a few new ones. Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. Kenneth Starr Virus: Competely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer. Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out. Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB. Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files. Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted. Titanic Virus: Your whole computer goes down. Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy. Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care. Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack. Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows. Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory. Rate This Joke: -3 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like, night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 9. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. 10. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 11. Pardon my driving; I'm reloading. 12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 13. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 15. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 18. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese 19. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week 20. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met 21. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol 22. I intend to live forever - so far, so good 23. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy 24. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 25. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States 26. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of 27. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have 28. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 29. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way. 30. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 31. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 32. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 33. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 34. He who hesitates is probably right 35. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 36. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 37. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. 38. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. 39. The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 40. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 41. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 42. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 43. Two wrongs are only the beginning. 44. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 45. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 46. Monday's are an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 47. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 48. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 49. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 50. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. 51. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. 52. A fool and his money are soon partying. 53. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. 54. Always try to be modest. And be proud of it! 56. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... 57. Get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade! 58. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. 59. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 60. Everybody repeat after me.....We are all individuals. 61. Death to all fanatics! 62. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 63. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. 64. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 65. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 66. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. 67. Half the people you know are below average 68. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 69. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 70. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 71. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. -Sally Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) Top 35 Oxymorons 03.10.05 35. State worker 34. Legally drunk 33. Exact estimate 32. Act naturally 31. Found missing 30. Resident alien 29. Genuine imitation 28. Airline Food 27. Good grief 26. Government organization 25. Sanitary landfill 24. Alone together 23. Small crowd 22. Business ethics 21. Soft rock 20. Butt Head 19. Military Intelligence 18. Sweet sorrow 17. Rural Metro (ambulance service) 16. "Now, then ..." 15. Passive aggression 14. Clearly misunderstood 13. Peace force 12. Extinct Life 11. Plastic glasses 10. Terribly pleased 9. Computer security 8. Political science 7. Tight slacks 6. Definite maybe 5. Pretty ugly 4. Rap music 3. Working vacation 2. Religious tolerance And the number one top Oxymoron.... 1. Microsoft Works -BOB Rate This Joke: 6 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 New Corporate Mergers Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler Bakers: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace 3M & goodyear: mmmGood John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine 3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants Knott's Berry Farm and National Organization for Women: Knott NOW! Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Telemarketers 03.09.05 Next time one of those pushy telemarketing people calls, try one of these responses: -I'm sorry, sir, but I'm completely filled with fruit and cheese. -OK, I'll take it on the condition that, right now, you bark like a dog for three minutes straight. -I can't make that kind of decision now; I'm on my deathbed. (cough, cough) -When you send that registration form to me, do I fill it out in pen, or is human blood OK? -I'm too fucking drunk to decide. (vomit noises) -Grandpa? Grandpa, is that you?...But...but...you've been dead for 15 years! -(Japanese accent) Sorry, I'm not very interesting. -Really, ma'am, this is not a good time. I'm cold and naked with a plastic bag over my head. -Now will this protection you're offering cover all the children I keep locked up in the basement? -No, sir, you will not solicipitate me!!! Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | List Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved