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LIST JOKE ARCHIVES - May 2005
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| 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
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05.25.05
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Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rate This Joke: 5 ( + | - )
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| Rules Guys Wish Women Knew
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05.25.05
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1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask
us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear
getting married is that married women always cut their hair,
and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to
think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious
hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound
to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than
deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the
quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other
one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is
genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come
out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut
blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the
first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default
settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY
stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack
of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care
about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will
act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly
fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the
fantasy includes you AND her, together.
46. What the hell is a doily?
Rate This Joke: 3 ( + | - )
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| Food Spoilage Test
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05.25.05
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Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who
cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new college student
who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator -- you
will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to
yourself,Can I eat this or will it kill me?
Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the
crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.
THE GAG TEST ------------ Anything that makes you gag is
spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for
yourself last night).
EGGS ---- When something starts pecking its way out of the
shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS --------------- Milk is spoiled when it
starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts
to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when
it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is
nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more
spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when
you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never
purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE ----------- If it makes you violently ill after
you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS ------------- Frozen foods that have become an
integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer
compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by
the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES ---------------- This is NOT a marketing
ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so
that you'll spend more on groceries.Perhaps you'd benefit by
having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT ---- If opening the refrigerator door causes stray
animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your
house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD ----- Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only
officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the
surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white
or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread
has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR ----- Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
LETTUCE ------- Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get
it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn't
think you needed guidance with this one)
CANNED GOODS -------------- Any canned goods that have
become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of.
Carefully.
CARROTS ------- A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in
is not fresh.
RAISINS -------- Raisins should not be harder than your
teeth.
POTATOES -------- If it looks like it is ready for
planting, toss it.
CHIP DIP -------- If you can take it out of its container
and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS ----------------- Putting empty containers
back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works
if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS: -------------- You know it is well beyond
prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along
with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers
should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: ----------------------- Most food
cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to
gauge this
Rate This Joke: 2 ( + | - )
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| Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate
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05.13.05
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Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'may I borrow a highlighter?'
Say, 'uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
Drop a marble and say, 'Oh No! My glass eye!'
Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, 'Now how did that get in there.'
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'
Say, 'Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.''
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now.'
Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free.'
Rate This Joke: -1 ( + | - )
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| 50 ways to Freak out Your Roommate
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05.13.05
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Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach
everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here
again."
Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis &
Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
"Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
Rate This Joke: 2 ( + | - )
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| Top 10 Things NOT To Tell the IRS
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05.13.05
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10. A dependant named "Guido"
9. Declare "Depends" as a medical expense after an audit has
been ordered.
8. A vibrator as a medical expense.
7. If you are O.J. Simpson, a set of steak knives.
6. Betting that Wayne Gretsky will retire.
5. The money you spend on lottery tickets, because it WILL
become your only means of income.
4. Plastic surgery to enhance your "sex appeal" because you
are a transvestite.
3. A casket for grandma Jean so you can inherit $100,000.00
even though she's only 50!
2. www.kinky women as sex therapy
and the number 1 thing you can't declare on your income
tax.....
Phone calls you made to the IRS to turn in your uncle Fred
for the $10,000 reward!
Rate This Joke: 4 ( + | - )
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| You Know You Work In the '90s When...
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05.13.05
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20. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food
bags out of the back seat of your car.
19. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that
they do not have e-mail addresses.
18. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to
your bookmarks.
17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your
parents.
16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets
and capital gains.
15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Interoffice Mail
painfully slow.
14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or
not is rhetorical.
13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing
cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it
notes.
11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long
some of the products don't even exist anymore.
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on
ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear
sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as
"deliverables."
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you
do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and
"calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than
your next door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when
making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he
put his ideas into a matrix.
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
Rate This Joke: 2 ( + | - )
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