LIST JOKE ARCHIVES - June 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | List Archives Top 10 Statements History has proven Wrong 06.29.05 10. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876. 9. "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. 8. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) 7. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. 6. "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. 5. "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957. 4. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." 3. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872. 2. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. 1. "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949. Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) The Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support 06.29.05 10. So, what are you wearing? 9. Bummer! Duuuuuuuude! 8. Looks like you're going to need some new dilythium crystals, Capt'n. 7. Press 1 for support. Press 2 if you want it today. Press 3 to buy the company. 6. We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of Duct Tape, and a car battery. 5. I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. 4. In layman's terms, it's kaput! 3. Hold on a second....MOM! Timmy's hitting me! 2. Okay, turn to page 463 in your copy of Dianetics. 1. Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney. Rate This Joke: 0 (  +  |   -   ) Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your AOL Password 06.29.05 10. You begin receiving email from a guy named "Fluffy." 9. There are traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna. 7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/. 6. There are kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post. 5. You find hate-mail messages to Apple Computer about their release of "CyberDog" in your outbox. 4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3. You keep finding new software around your house like Mouse Hunter and WarCat II. 2. You have a new screen name called IronMouser. 1. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) Top 10 Signs You Bought a Bad Computer 06.29.05 10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it. 9. Its celebrity spokesman is Red Green. 8. You need jumper cables and a friend's car to start it. 7. Its slogan is "Pentium: Redefining Mathematics". 6. The Quick Reference Guide is written on a napkin. 5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. 4. The screen frequently displays the message, "Is it time for a break yet?" 3. Tech support advises you to have a fire extinguisher ready before you power up. 2. The only chips inside are Doritos. 1.There is no manual, only a hand written note saying "Good Luck". Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) Seminars for Men 06.10.05 The female staff will be offering courses listed below to men of any marital status. Class size will be limited to 18 as material may prove to be difficult. Combating Stupidity You Too Can Do Housework P.M.S. - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas - Give Us Money Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly Called "Don't Wash My Silks") Parenting - No, It Doesn't End With Conception Get a Life - Learn How To Cook How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right Understanding Your Financial Incompetence You - The Weaker Sex Reasons To Give Flowers How To Stay Awake After Sex Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom Garbage - Getting It To the Curb SEX 118A - You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try SEX 118B - The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonomous How To Put The Toilet Seat Down How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children You Too Can Be a Designated Driver Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works The Attainable Goal - Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is NOT Necessary Real Men Ask For Directions How To Take Illness Like a Man Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) George Carlin telling it as he sees it... 06.10.05 I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it! I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God. Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years. I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. Rate This Joke: 0 (  +  |   -   ) Subject: Cleaning the cat 06.10.05 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The DOG Rate This Joke: -12 (  +  |   -   ) Signs Your Cat May Be Trying To Kill You 06.03.05 1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 2. He actually *does* have your tongue. 3. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. 4. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 5. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. 6. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 7. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM." 8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?" 9. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. 10. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed. 11. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. 12. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep. 13. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose. 14. You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT." 15. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines. Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) Top Ten Reasons You Know If You Have PMS 06.03.05 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-*-**. 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When: 06.03.05 You wake up face down on the pavement You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold You put your bra on backwards and it fits better Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city Your twin sister forgets your birthday You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?" You're driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car. You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When..... 06.03.05 Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down. Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans. You channel surf faster without a remote. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You help your dog chase its tail. You're up to four heart attacks a day. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination! You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home! Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) 12 Signs You've Joined A Cheap HMO! 06.03.05 1.Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento. 2.Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 3.Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 4.With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them. 5.Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 6. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park." 7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arraignment for grave robbing. 8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 9. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 10. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day". 11.“Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.. 12. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape. Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | List Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved