LIST JOKE ARCHIVES - July 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | List Archives Top 10 Things You Should not Say to a Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins from a Mall Fountain 07.21.05 10. "Isn't there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?" 9. "I'm searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel." 8. "DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!" 7. "Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?" 6. "Thanks buddy!...I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!" 5. "Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!" 4. "I'm at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter." 3. "I'm trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!" 2. "See..I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that's why I'm stealing the quarters in the fountain. I NEED HELP MAN!!!" 1. "Ummmm...I'm looking for beer money?" Rate This Joke: 0 (  +  |   -   ) Top 10 Signs Your Child Goes To a Bad School 07.21.05 10. There was a steroid scandal last year... on the Chess Club. 9. Teacher "diplomas" look suspiciously like parole papers. 8. Monday: The custodian announces the rat problem in the basement is over. Tuesday: the cafeteria announces mystery meat is the entree for the rest of the week. 7. The school's motto contains the word 'crap'. 6. At the dinner table, he refers to his shop teacher as "Mr. No Hands." 5. His Home Economics course involves sewing designer clothes for two cents an hour. 4. "Number of Days Since Last Shooting" sign out front never gets past '5'. 3. To avoid theft, teachers are chained to the desks. 2. School uniforms consist of bedsheets, sandals and a giant sombrero. 1. Only one graduate has ever attended college, and that was on a bowling scholarship. Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) 25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you married yet?" 07.21.05 1. You haven't asked yet. 2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. 3. What? And spoil my great sex life? 4. Nobody would believe me in white. 5. Because I just love hearing this question. 6. Just lucky, I guess. 7. It gives my mother something to live for. 8. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole. 9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. 10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? 11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. 12. It didn't seem worth a blood test. 13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. 14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. 15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. 16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. 17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. 18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. 20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? 21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it. 22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. 23. Why aren't you thin? 24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. 25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant. Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | List Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved