MEN JOKE ARCHIVES - March 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Men Archives Why Men Are Just Happier People 03.12.05 Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, ALL the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its natural color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes. No wonder men are happier! Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to the local store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the assistant mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night. All my love. P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." Rate This Joke: -8 (  +  |   -   ) Why Men Can't Win 03.10.05 If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your tail and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you don't care about her needs. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious enough. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else. Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) Reasons why Motorcycles are better than Men 03.10.05 Your bike doesn't care how many bikes you've ridden in the past. Your bike doesn't grow spare tires. You can ride your bike more than once every hour. Bikes don't get you pregnant. Your bike will never check other bikes that are cooler or thinner than you. Bikes don't have relatives. Your bike will never criticize your girlfriends. Your bike doesn't care what time of the month we are in. Your bike will let you know when something is wrong. You donīt have to kick your bike to get it to keep going. If your bike makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler for it. If your bike stinks you can wash it. Your bike doesn't mind if you have a poster of the bike-of-your-dreams in your bedroom. Rate This Joke: -2 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature. What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. What did God say after creating man? I can do better. Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what? Why do men marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain. What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention. What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business. How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal. Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you. What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing. If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows. Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed. Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love. How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? Two ways to cross a river. What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it!?! Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove. What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard. How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it. Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Two guys were strolling down the steet when one guy explained, "how sad- a dead bird". The other man looked up and said, "where?" Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? To keep the swelling down. Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) Types of People in the Mens Room 03.10.05 EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later INDIFFERENT : If all urinals are being used, pisses in sink CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly or bug ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble TOUGH : Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants DISGRUNTED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away CONCEITED : Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Men Archives Copyright Đ2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved