MEN JOKE ARCHIVES - April 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Men Archives Two-by-Fours 04.22.05 Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) Red Ring 04.22.05 There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room. The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand. The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions. The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help. As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion? The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover." Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) 04.22.05 How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals." How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two. If you slice them very thinly. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions. What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion. What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch! What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes. What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game. What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer. What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? Telling you his real name. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes. What's the best way to kill a man? Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted a several times. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..." What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs. Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece. Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing. Why do little boys whine? Because they are practicing to be men. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) Three Children 04.14.05 Well, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he took her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!" This excited Bubba, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on, son! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! Hey, you got you a daughter!" Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, "Hold on, we ain't finished!" The doctor then delivered another boy. He said, "Bubba, you just had another boy! But don't worry, 'cause that's it!" So, Bubba and his wife went home with the three children. When they got home, they sat down and began talking. Bubba said, "Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of Vaseline and had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." Bubba said, "Well, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-40!" Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) Loyal Man 04.14.05 There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone..." Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Liar, Liar 04.14.05 A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see Your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damned liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!" Rate This Joke: 6 (  +  |   -   ) What are those for? 04.14.05 A knockout young lady decided that she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12-inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand - The sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!" Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Training Courses Now Available for Men 04.08.05 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference! 6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I 7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II 8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore! 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill 15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts 16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) The Man Etiquette Test 04.08.05 Here's a chance for you men to find out how compassionate and sensitive you are to women. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Simple Duties You make the bed. (+1) You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows. (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1) You leave the toilet seat up. (-5) You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty. (0) When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. (-1) When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom. (-2) You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings. (+5) But return with beer. (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing. (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it's something. (+5) You pummel it with a six iron. (+10) It's her father. (-10) Social Engagements You stay by her side the entire party. (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy. (-2) Named Tiffany. (-4) Tiffany is a dancer. (-6) Tiffany has implants. (-8) Her Birthday You take her out to dinner. (0) You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar. (+1) It is a sports bar. (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10) A Night Out With The Boys And the pal is happily married. (-4) Or frighteningly single. (-7) And he drives a Mustang. (-10) With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED). (-15) A Night Out You take her to a movie. (+2) You take her to a movie she likes. (+4) You take her to a movie you hate. (+6) You take her to a movie you like. (-2) It's called Death Cop 3. (-3) Which features cyborgs having sex. (-9) You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15) Your Physique You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30) You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too." (-800) The Big Question She asks, "Do I look fat?". (-5) You hesitate in responding. (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) Communication When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0) When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes. (+5) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+10) She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep. (-20) Scoring Start with 50 points and add your score to it. If you ended up with +15 then your score would be 65 for the 65th percentile. If you got -15 then your score would be 35 for the 35th percentile. Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Men Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved