MEN JOKE ARCHIVES - May 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Men Archives Giving Up Drugs 05.25.05 Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...." Rate This Joke: 6 (  +  |   -   ) Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve 05.25.05 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone. And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve... 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!" Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) The speech 05.25.05 An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. "Well," he explained "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls, and thus gentlemen. So my speech started 'Ladies and Gentlemen'." On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'". On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying, 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure'......." Rate This Joke: 6 (  +  |   -   ) Ball scratching 05.25.05 A man in his mid 40s goes to a building site and asks the foreman if he has any job openings. "Actually, I am a man short," replies the foreman. "Do you have experience?" "I've worked in construction all my life," the man says, "but I had an accident a few years ago and haven't worked since. To make a long story short, I was working with a large industrial saw when it slipped and, well, it castrated me." "Ooh," the foreman says, wincing. "That's awful, but you have plenty of experience, so come down tomorrow morning at 10 and I'll get you started." "Great," replies the man. "But don't I usually see you guys here at nine?" "Yeah," the foreman says, "but for the first hour we just stand around scratching our balls." Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) Patent Office 05.25.05 This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle, replies the inventor." "A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?" "I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "A farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!" "In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket." Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) A Women's Guide To Male English 05.13.05 -- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? -- I'm hungry = I'm hungry -- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy -- I'm tired = I'm tired -- What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. -- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before -- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! -- I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) Men...How? What? Why? 05.13.05 What's the difference between a man and a messy room? You can straighten up a messy room. Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing? They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it. Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men. It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing. Why did God create men? She forgot to put the legs on snakes. Why women like bidets? Because men don't know what they are. How do you get a man on the roof? Tell him the beers on the house. Do you always tell your husband when you've had an orgasm? No way! I'm not going to call home every time! When does a man develop a brain? The day he gets married. Why did the man sell his water skis? He couldn't find a lake on a hill. How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig? He thinks "harass" is two words Why don't men die in their sleep? 'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time. What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man? A Myth. Why do women always wear black to bed? To mourn the dead pricks beside them!! Why did God Create man first? 1. Practice makes perfect. 2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately. 3. There's a frist draft with anything. 4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes. 5. First is the worst.........Second is the best! 6. To be funny Woman: "I got a set of golf clubs for my husband" Friend: "GREAT trade!" Rate This Joke: -4 (  +  |   -   ) More- Men...How? What? Why? 05.13.05 Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it's never used. What do UFO's and caring men have in common? You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself. Why is dating like a game of cards? Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. How do you confuse a man? You don't have to - they're born that way Why don't women like basketball players as lovers? Because they dribble before they shoot. What are the three types of men? The handsome, the caring and the majority What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is. What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking? Slow down What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee? One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee. How can you tell if your husband's dead? Sex is the same but you get the remote. What food describes most men? Jerky. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner? In the pages of a romance novel. How do we know men invented maps? Who else would make an inch into a mile? Why did they kick the man out of the airport? He kept throwing stale bread at the plane. What's the hardest thing to teach a man? How to operate a waste basket. Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) More- Men...How? What? Why? 05.13.05 Why don't men wear tight underwear? It cuts off circulation to the brain! Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads? When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know." When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh." Why are vibrators better than men? Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry! Why do men die before their wives? They should. What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........ A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need How does a man keep his youth? By giving them money, furs and diamonds. Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital. What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men? Wife saying she wants to talk to him. Why are hangovers better than men? Hangovers will go away. How are men and batteries different? Batteries have a positive side. Why is virginity like a baloon? All it takes is one small prick and it's gone. What is the difference between garbage and men? Garbage gets thrown out and stays out! How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house. Why are men like strawberries? Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten. Why is urine yellow and sperm white? So men can tell if they are coming or going. Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Men Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved