MEN JOKE ARCHIVES - June 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Men Archives Old men 06.29.05 These two old gentlemen were sitting and talking.Joe says to Slim, "You know I am 75 yrs old, and I just ache & hurt all over I can't understand why,tell me, you are the same age as I, how about you, don't you have the same problem?" Slim says, "Heck no, I feel great, just like a new born baby. no hair, no teeth, & I think I just wet my pants." Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) Beer 06.29.05 A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade." Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) Preaching Parrot 06.29.05 Four brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well." "Well I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it." "Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. Mama wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank You." Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) Redneck Birth Control 06.10.05 After having their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough(they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Kentucky), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Ohio to get a second opinion. The Ohio physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Kentucky. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.... Also works in West Virginia. Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) Male Sex Test 06.10.05 Gentlemen Please Take the Following TEST 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: a) lovemaking b) screwing c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship b) your blood-test results c) five tequila slammers 3. You time your orgasm so that: a) your partner climaxes first b) you both climax simultaneously c) you don't miss SportsCenter 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) healthy, creative love-play b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a) the best part of the experience b) the second best part of the experience c) $100 extra 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: a) No concern of yours b) not a problem, she can join your gym c) a conservative estimate 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a) a myth b) an oxymoron c) a moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as: a) appetizer is to entree b) primer is to paint c) a line is to an amusement park ride 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) "I hope we can still be friends." b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy b) is uptight and a waste of time c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused. If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!" Rate This Joke: -3 (  +  |   -   ) Wishing Well 06.10.05 There were 3 men trying to get across a river. While discussing what to do one of them found a wishing well! So each of them made a wish...The first one wished, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get across this river!" So a minute later he swam across. The second man wished, "I wish I was 50% smarter so I could get across this river!" A minute later he had made a boat and rowed across the river. Finally the third one wished, "I wish I was 100% smarter so I could get across this river!" About 2 seconds later he was turned into a woman and walked across the bridge. Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) The Voodoo Penis 06.10.05 A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass." The rest is history Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) Computer Doctor 06.03.05 One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: 1. You have tennis elbow. 2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. 3. It will be better in two weeks....... That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis: 1. Your tap water is too hard. 2. Get a water softener. 3. Your dog has ringworm. 4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 5. Your daughter is using cocaine. 6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. 7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.... Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Penis problem 06.03.05 A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help. The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No." The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks, let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Zappo! The guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?" The irritated frog yells back, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!" Rate This Joke: 14 (  +  |   -   ) Bragging 06.03.05 A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) Well Endowed 06.03.05 They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed. "I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark. "Wasn't always that way," replied Chas, "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done over in Harley Street, England, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent." Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing. It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result. "But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred. "You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand." Chas could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look. Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Chas took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!" Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Headaches 06.03.05 Joe, a successful man by most standards, began to be bothered by some incredible headaches. When both his professional life and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who claimed he could solve the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," said the doctor. Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to accept the operation. He left the hospital wearing a diaper under his clothing, but his mind was clear and no headache. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He decided then and there that he could make a new beginning and live a more fulfilling life. As he walked past a men's clothing store, he thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." Joe entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like to see some of your suits." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . .34 sleeve and 17 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe looked in the mirror and adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll, so he said, "Sure . . . " The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . 9 Wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure . . . " The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed and said, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head and said, "You shouldn't wear a size 34. Eventually it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." Rate This Joke: 6 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Men Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved