MEN JOKE ARCHIVES - August 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Men Archives ATM - The Differences: 08.25.05 HIM: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 12A Hit "cancel" 12B Call husband to get correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in gear, reverse 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Women Talk Too Much 08.25.05 Sam was trying to show his wife that women talk much more than men. To prove his point he showed her a scholarly study that showed men, on average, use about l500 words per day as opposed to women, who use at least 3,000. Jane, his wife, pondered this for a little while and then thought of an answer. "Women", she said, "must use twice as many words as men, because they have to repeat every thing they say." Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) How to Shower Like a Man 08.25.05 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo, woo" sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one) 6. Wash your face 7. Wash your armpits 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner) 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14. Pee (in the shower) 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk. 16. Partial dry off. 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19. Leave bathroom fan and light on. 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) How to Shower Like a Woman 08.25.05 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. Rate This Joke: 0 (  +  |   -   ) Why Men Are Proud of Themselves 08.12.05 1. We know stuff about tanks 2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase 3. We can open all our own jars 4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group 5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name 6. We can leave a motel bed unmade 7. We can kill our own food 8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness 9. Wedding plans take care of themselves 10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend 11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack 12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices 13. Everything on our faces stays the original color 14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough 15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming 16. Car mechanics tell us the truth 17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me." 18. Same work-more pay 19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character 20. We can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift 21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends 22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" 23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors 24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public 25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes 26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades 27. We don't have to shave below the neck 28. A few belches are expected and tolerated 29. Our belly usually hides our big hips 30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons 31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife 32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache 33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) Lottery 08.12.05 This guy bursts into his house and shouts, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!" She says, "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care-just get the hell out!" Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) If Men Ruled the World 08.12.05 1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. 2. Birth control would come in ale or lager. 3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. 5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. 6. Garbage would take itself out. 7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. 8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". 9 Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". 10. Tanks would be far easier to rent. 11. Two words... "Ally McNaked". 12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off". 13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. 14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. 15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. 17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. 18. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". 20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". 22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. 23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car. 25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. Rate This Joke: -2 (  +  |   -   ) The Rules (By Men) 08.12.05 * If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry... we meant the other way. * Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby. * We don't know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don't even ask. * We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. * Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." * It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together. * Actually, you probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. * Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping. * Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, and home repair. * Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. * Curley is the bald one. * Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, or Naomi Wolf are up to. * Socks never constitute a gift. * Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better. * Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner. * Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. * You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. * Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. * No, you can't have the remote control. * When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary. Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Men Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved