MISC JOKE ARCHIVES - June 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Misc. Archives Gossip 06.29.05 "Hey Mom," asked Little Johnny, "Can you give me $20?" "Certainly not." "If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what Dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop." His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?" "He said, 'Hey Maria, could you make sure I've got clean socks tomorrow?'" Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) The Neighbor's Baby 06.29.05 Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would be grounded for the rest of the month. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny. "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses!" Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Getting Older 06.29.05 Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away." The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down." The third lady chimed in, "Well, I'm glad I don't have those problems. Knock on wood." With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, "That must be the door. I'll get it." Rate This Joke: 15 (  +  |   -   ) Funeral Bill 06.29.05 Pete told the mortician to spare no expense for his father's funeral. So when the bill for $4,000 arrived after the funeral, Pete paid it. The next month, he recieved a bill for $85. He paid it, figuring it had been left off the original tally. A month later, after recieving another bill for $85, Pete called the funeral director. "You said you wanted the best funeral we could arrange," the director told him. "So I rented him a tux." Rate This Joke: 10 (  +  |   -   ) Top 10 All-Time Worst Jokes 06.29.05 10. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. 9. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam". 8. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. 7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. 6. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 5. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. 4. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. 3. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. 2. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. 1. Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. Rate This Joke: -2 (  +  |   -   ) Sailor and the Pirate 06.10.05 A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals" "Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook!" Rate This Joke: 12 (  +  |   -   ) Arresting your Mother 06.10.05 A police recruit was asked on an exam: "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" In the blank, he wrote: "Call for backup." Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Car Wreck 06.10.05 A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends in peace for the rest of our days.” Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!” “This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…” Rate This Joke: 12 (  +  |   -   ) Gorgeous Woman 06.10.05 A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants. The man after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know- I happen to have a Rolls, BMW and a Mercedes in my garage, plus two million dollars in the bank...But not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches! Just send the bottle back. Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) CIA Recruit 06.10.05 A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes.Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!" Rate This Joke: 9 (  +  |   -   ) I've got everything I need 06.03.05 A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!" Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Spaghetti 06.03.05 A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without." To the Bar 06.03.05 This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new bride, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going coochi cooh...?" asks his wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." replies the husband. The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love...?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: "Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar ... you know ... the frozen glass." He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face...?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll. But at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hoer's de devours poochi pooh..?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours ... chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." replies the husband in desparation. "You want dirty words cutie pie...? HERE! DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HOER'S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ASSHOLE! Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) The Bright Side 06.03.05 Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?" "Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!" 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