MISC JOKE ARCHIVES - August 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Misc. Archives Stranded 08.25.05 This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He was cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks. Finally one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began. Everything was great for about 4 months. One day the guy goes to Cindy and says, "I'm having this problem... It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor." Cindy replied "Okay," and he says, "Can I borrow your eyebrowpencil?" Cindy looks at him a little funny, but answers, "Sure, you can borrow my eyebrow pencil." The guy then says, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Cindy is getting a little worried, but says "Okay." And so the guy draws a moustache on her. Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you to look more like a man?" Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says "I guess so," and puts on some of his clothes. Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?" Cindy is now getting very dejected, and says "No, I guess not, you can call me Fred." So then the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and shouts "Fred You won't believe who I have been sleeping with these past 4 months!!!" Rate This Joke: 9 (  +  |   -   ) Speed Limit 08.25.05 Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." Rate This Joke: 14 (  +  |   -   ) Sneaky!! 08.25.05 Alice was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS," she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a...." "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids." Rate This Joke: 9 (  +  |   -   ) Smoke Rings 08.25.05 A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!" Rate This Joke: 10 (  +  |   -   ) MEMO: 08.25.05 FROM: Human Resources TO: All staff RE: Early retirement: Due to the current financial situation and probable merger, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 35 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as Retiring Active Personnel Early (RAPE). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). The situation of persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Subsistance Conditions for Retired Early Workers). A person may only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate. Should an employee be refused a SCREW, he can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management. Persons staying on will receive SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives its employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Anything Else? 08.12.05 "And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked. "Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said.... "Please bring up a postcard." Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) Having an Affair? 08.12.05 A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking him pretty weird). The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those are grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?" Rate This Joke: 0 (  +  |   -   ) In the beginning... 08.12.05 After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand, and took her behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, "Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief instruction, and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam said, "Lord, what's 'making love'?" So the Lord again gave Adam direction, and Adam again went to Eve, behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'headache' ?" Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) Artie 08.12.05 This young husband realizes he has made a mistake marrying his wife and decides to have her offed for her insurance. Through a friend of a friend, the young husband locates "Artie" who has done these contracts before. Artie meets with the young husband and Artie agrees to do the job for $10,000 with $5,000 upfront. The husband says he doesn't have that kind of money now but will when he collects the insurance money. Artie says he still wants something. What's in his wallet? The young husband pulls out his wallet and shows Artie a dollar. Artie takes the dollar as the down payment. Artie tails the wife and follows her into the produce section of a grocery store. Thinking they're alone, Artie approaches the wife and chokes her to death. A produce worker comes up having seen the whole thing. Not wanting to leave any witnesses, Artie chokes him to death, too. Unbeknownst to Artie, this is all captured on the in-store camera. Artie is caught. The headlines the next day read: ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY!! Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) Bowl of Chili 08.12.05 A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?" The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it." So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too." Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Misc. Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved