RELIGIOUS JOKE ARCHIVES - March 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Religious Archives Hospital Stay 03.23.05 A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun." "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God." "Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law." Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) Desperate Businessman 03.23.05 A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to his Rabbi to seek advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11" Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) Pearly Gates 03.23.05 A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?" "Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say 'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife' "That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?" "Vell, you know," said the old Jew, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give... Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) Jesus & Satan 03.10.05 Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Jesus saves." Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 A man was dieing. He called in a local Baptist Minister, Catholic Priest and a Rabbi. "Gentlemen," he said. "I am going to give you each one million dollars. I want you to keep it and when I die, I want you to bury the money with me. That way I'll be sure to have money in the after life." Several weeks later the Minister, Priest and a Rabbi met at the mans grave and were discussing the mans last request. "I feel really bad." said the Minister, "Our church needed a new roof and I spent some of the money. I only put $750,000 in the coffin." "I feel bad too." said the Priest. "Our church needed a new parking lot. I only put $800,000 in the coffin." "You two should be ashamed of yourselves." scowled the Rabbi. " I put the whole amount in the coffin." "You did?" asked the Priest and Minister in surprise. "Yes I did." said the Rabbi proudly. "I slipped the check in this morning." Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) The New Priest 03.10.05 A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Rate This Joke: 10 (  +  |   -   ) 03.10.05 A preist went camping in the woods. He was having such a lovely time, that he decided to stay through the weekend. Even though it meant missing his sermon Sunday, he decided God would understand because he was enjoying nature, God's greatest creation. Well, when he woke up Sunday morning, a huge grisley bear was wandering around his camp. The preist took off running. The bear gave chase. Realizing escape was hopeless, the father quickly knealt down and said a prayer. He crossed himself and said "please God, make this grizzly be a Catholic. I promise I will never miss a sermon again." He ended his prayer, and looked back to see the bear, not 2 feet away kneel down and cross itself. It said "Dear God, please bless this food that I am about to partake of...." -JD Lewis Rate This Joke: 0 (  +  |   -   ) More Holy Water 03.10.05 Four nuns were killed, when the bus they were in, plunged over a mountain cliff . The four were waiting at the pearly gates waiting to be admitted into heaven. When the Saint asked the first nun: "do you have any sins you want to confess before going in to heaven" ??? the nun replies: "why, yes I touched a man's penis with my thumb" the Saint instructs her to wash her thumb in the holy water and her sin will be forgiven. So, she does and he walks her through the pearly gates into heaven. The Saint comes back to the second nun and ask her: "do you have any sins you want to confess before going in to heaven" ??? the nun replies: "why, yes I touched a man's penis with my finger" the Saint instructs her to wash her finger in the holy water and her sin will be forgiven. So, she does and he walks her through the pearly gates into heaven. The Saint comes back to the third nun and ask her: " Do you mind if the fourth nun goes now?? I think she'd like to gargle in the holy water before you stick your butt in it" Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Religious Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved