RELIGIOUS JOKE ARCHIVES - June 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Religious Archives Imagine That 06.29.05 Can you believe what people do in the church these days? I was in the church listening to the priest's sermon when I saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church. I was so amazed that I didn't know when the bottle of beer I was holding fell on the floor. Rate This Joke: 0 (  +  |   -   ) Race Track 06.29.05 George loves the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this Priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. George was most interested to see what the Priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the Priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined up and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the Priest had blessed won the race. George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The Priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won! George was elated. As the day went on, the Priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and anointed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. George placed his bet every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last. George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the Priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!" The Priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants ... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites... Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Collection 06.29.05 A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate." So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church. Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) Soap Dispenser 06.10.05 Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father Ryan says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life like he looks, the 1st nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. ' Oh look,' says the 1st nun...' It's a soap dispenser.' To test her theory, the 2nd nun also pulls his tool and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap. The 3rd nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she tries once more and, to her delight, she yells....." HAND LOTION!!" Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Holy Matters 06.10.05 A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks. "Oh, it's nothing," says St. Peter, "It's just someone getting A hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo." A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?" she asked anxiously. "Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "Someone's getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings." The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks St. Peter. "I think I'll go down to Hell, if it's all the same to you," says the lady. "But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!" "It's okay," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that" Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) Clinton goes to Heaven 06.10.05 The scene: HEAVEN The year: 2031 President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven."And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World," "Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton. "Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?" Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury." With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal.We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to "abandon all hope," just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) Son of a Bitch 06.10.05 Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!" Rate This Joke: 9 (  +  |   -   ) The Pope goes to New York. 06.03.05 The Pope visits New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?" The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that." But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope." So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: Chief, I have a problem. Chief: What sort of problem? Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important. Chief: Important like the mayor? Cop: No, no, much more important than that. Chief: Important like the governor? Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that. Chief: Like the president? Cop: More. Chief: Who's more important than the president? Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope DRIVING for him! Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Really Good Deed 06.03.05 This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?" "Er.. about two minutes ago." Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) The Big Flood 06.03.05 It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house. As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned. Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?" Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) Meeting the Pope 06.03.05 A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear.. "I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here." Rate This Joke: 0 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Religious Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved