RELIGIOUS JOKE ARCHIVES - August 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Religious Archives I'm Not Your Father . . . 08.25.05 A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father." Rate This Joke: -2 (  +  |   -   ) Little Bunny 08.25.05 Father Pat and Father Mike were riding down the highway with Father Pat at the wheel. Mileage was being ticked off pretty well when suddenly a little rabbit jumped up onto the highway right in front of the car. Father Pat did everything he could to miss the little bunny, he wrenched the wheel around, jammed on the brakes, and almost tipped the car over with his maneuvers, but to no avail....the rabbit was hit before the car could be stopped. Both priests jumped out of the car, ran back to the rabbit to see if there was anything that could be done, but alas, it appeared that the rabbit was gone. Father Pat pulled a bottle out of his pocket, sprinkled a few drops of the liquid on the rabbit, and instantly it jumped up and started waving vigorously. Father Mike looked at Father Pat and said, "It's a miracle!" The rabbit stood there and continued to wave at them. Since it appeared that nothing else was needed, the two priests returned to the car, and Father Pat continued down the road. Father Mike kept looking out the back window and, for as long as he could see the rabbit, it was still standing there and waving. When the rabbit was out of sight, Father Mike sat back and considered the sequence of events. Finally he said, "Father Pat, just what was in that bottle?" In response, Father Pat pulled the bottle out of his pocket once more and handed it to Father Mike who read the label: "Hair Restorer with Permanent Wave" Rate This Joke: 6 (  +  |   -   ) Arthritis 08.25.05 A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) Young Pastors in France 08.25.05 In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. This is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said "Father, ever since the new assistant came over for dinner I cannot find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner." The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle." Rate This Joke: 10 (  +  |   -   ) Confessional 08.12.05 Tommy goes into a confessional box and says bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman. The Priest says "Is that you Tommy"? Yes father, it is I. Who was the woman you were with? I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation. The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley"? No father. Was it Fiona MacDonald? No father. Was it Ann Brown? No father, I cannot tell you. The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys. Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks what happened? Tommy replies: "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads". Rate This Joke: 0 (  +  |   -   ) Elevator 08.12.05 An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. Smiling, the father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Mother." Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Wrong Meaning 08.12.05 A monk his entire adult life, Brother Andrew was responsible for training new scribes in the art of copying by hand -- word for word -- the holy writs. One day an eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake. "Oh no," said Brother Andrew. "These words have always been correctly copied from generation to generation." Skeptical, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Andrew how he knew. "My son," said Brother Andrew as he shuffled off toward the monastery's library, "let me get you the first volume ever written, and you will see that it is just as correct today as it was then." Many hours passed. Finally Brother Jonathan decided he had better check on the elderly monk. At the library, he spotted Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. "What's the matter?" Brother Jonathan asked. "I can't believe it," Brother Andrew responded, his voice quivering with emotion. "The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!" Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) Sinning Monks 08.12.05 There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their activities to him at the end of the day. So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to indulge in all manner of sin. The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three, stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings. "No, head abbot," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!" "The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will not receive absolution!" said the abbot. So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties, and I snorted coffee whitener...." "Enough!" said the head abbot, enraged. "Those are evil sins, but I promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning." The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbot's instructions. The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. "What did you do last night?" demanded the head abbot. "I can't say! It's much too evil!" "The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!" "Okay," agreed the second monk. "I had all manner of sex. I had sex with young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of flora, my CD player..." "Enough!" cried the head abbot. "That is a truly great sin. But I promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy Water. Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning." The second monk sauntered off to do just that. And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning. "What," asks the head abbot, "did you do this evening?" "No, head abbot, it's too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!" "The agreement, monk! You must tell me!" The third monk bowed his head and nodded. "All right, head abbot. Last night I...I..." "Yes?" "I pissed in the Holy Water." Rate This Joke: 8 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Religious Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved