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SEX JOKE ARCHIVES - April 2005
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| Doing the Dishes
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04.22.05
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A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always
wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the
newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes
across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on
it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint
condition. He inquires about it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me
how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure
that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub
Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In
fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of
Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the
buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He
takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic
(being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his
girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going
to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When
the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her
boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my
parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do
the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the
living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family
room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs,
dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take
advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his
girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over
and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still
they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and
they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says
a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his
girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the
dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend
realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take
care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his
pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all
right! I'll do the damn dishes."
Rate This Joke: 14 ( + | - )
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| Legless Parrot
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04.22.05
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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on
a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy
says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective
parrot."
"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and
answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a
highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you
hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but
since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like
a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak
English, can't you!?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic:
politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm
especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me.
I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just
can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth
is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can
probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go
by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work
and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over
with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or
not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the
postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in
a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up
her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the
parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and
began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and
slowly going down . . ."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell
off my perch!"
Rate This Joke: 5 ( + | - )
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| The Bee
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04.22.05
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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making
love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom
window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her
vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me,
there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband
immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the
situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky
situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir
would permit." The husband being very
concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to
get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK,
what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis
and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee
getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and
the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's
vagina. The husband nodded and gave his
approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get
on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with
honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few
gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has
noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So
the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor
began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began
to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was
enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's
breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and
shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think
you're doing?" The doctor, still
concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the
bastard!"
Rate This Joke: 6 ( + | - )
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| Robot Secretary
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04.22.05
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Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious
techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is
beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a
robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how
she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation.
If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have
sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even
borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there
with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming
"Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a
pencil sharpener!"
Rate This Joke: 1 ( + | - )
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| Death During Sex
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04.08.05
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Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
Rate This Joke: -2 ( + | - )
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| Always there for me
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04.08.05
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This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck....."
Rate This Joke: -3 ( + | - )
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| Caught Cheating
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04.08.05
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CAUGHT CHEATING
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Rate This Joke: -1 ( + | - )
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| Spicing up sex life
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04.08.05
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A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage.
After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless underwear. She went home, and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink.
She slowly spread her legs,and in a husky come fuck me voice says "Honey, would you like some of this?"
The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what it's done to your underwear."
Rate This Joke: 6 ( + | - )
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| Bad News
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04.08.05
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A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up. He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can't tell which is which.
He finally narrows it down to two charts and he decides to call her house. Mr.Smith answers the phone."Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, I don't know which.
"Well, what should I do?" asks a distraught Mr. Smith.
"Drop her off at the edge of town," says the doctor, "and if she finds her way back,
DON'T FUCK HER!"
Rate This Joke: 0 ( + | - )
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| Dreams
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04.08.05
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DREAMS OF WIFE, HUSBAND
A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
"I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place,"she began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20."
"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
"Those they gave away," she replied tongue in cheek.
"I had a dream too," started the husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!"
"And how much for the ones like mine?" enquired the wife to her husband.
"That's where they held the auction," he replied.
Rate This Joke: 5 ( + | - )
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| Confession
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04.08.05
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CONFESSION
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Rate This Joke: 3 ( + | - )
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| Is that your final answer?
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04.08.05
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A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She said, "Yes."
...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
Rate This Joke: 2 ( + | - )
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| Slow Driving Habits
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04.08.05
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A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
Rate This Joke: 4 ( + | - )
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