SEX JOKE ARCHIVES - August 2005 Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Sex Joke Archives Good Care 08.25.05 A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. He asks, "What are you people doing, I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the head-nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." Rate This Joke: 5 (  +  |   -   ) How Many Viagra? 08.25.05 An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes." Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) Viagra for Sale 08.25.05 Little Timmy is playing on the street when he spots a package of Viagra pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately recognises the possibilities and approaches his daddy: "Dad, I just found these, and I'm willing to sell them to you for 100 Dollars straight." "Son, well, while this is a very good offer, I'm in perfect physical health and not currently needing those. Tell you what, go ask Grandpa." So Timmy walks over and asks his grandfather: "Gramps, I will sell you this package of Viagra for 100 Dollars." "Oh, thanks Timmy, but are you sure these will work?", asked his grandfather. "Gee, I don't know. But they do look like the ones that were shown on TV!" "Tell you what, Timmy, I'll try them tonight and if they work OK, I'll give you the money tomorrow." The next morning, Timmy visits his grandfather again, and Gramps hands over $500 without hesitation. Timmy is perplexed: "But Gramps, I thought we agreed on 100 Dollars!" "That's OK, Timmy, keep it, the rest is from Grandma!" Rate This Joke: 4 (  +  |   -   ) Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra 08.25.05 10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper" 9. "One-a-day, like iron" 8. "Get a piece of the rock" 7. "You've come a long way, baby" 6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em" 5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman 4. "Tastes great, more filling" 3. "Viagra, built ram tough" 2. "Here's the beef!" ... and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra: 1. Just do her. Rate This Joke: 2 (  +  |   -   ) Aliens 08.12.05 One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed. Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed. Then, the Martian man took the farmer's wife in one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman in another bedroom. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife "Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?" The farmer's wife replied "It needs to be a little bigger around." So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around. About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again "How does it feel now?" The farmer's wife responded "I think it needs to be a little longer." So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer. The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife "How was the Martian man?" To this, the farmer's wife replied "Fine. And how about the Martian woman?" The farmer replied "That damn bitch yanked on my damn ears all night long!" Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) Cheating with Best Friend 08.12.05 A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings it to him and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps". The guy says "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!" "Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?" The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!" Rate This Joke: 7 (  +  |   -   ) Biggest Lies 08.12.05 The three biggest lies in the world are: 1. The check is in the mail. 2. I had a flat tire. 3. I won't come in your mouth. Rate This Joke: -1 (  +  |   -   ) Two Fleas 08.12.05 These two fleas, Hal and Sam, were sitting on the beach in Miami, soaking up the sun. Hal was enjoying himself tremendously, while Sam was suffering terribly from a cold. Hal asked Sam why he was so sick. "Well," said Sam, "I got to Miami by climbing into some fellow's mustache, and he rode down on a motorcycle." "Next year," Hal advised, " you should use my method. You go to a bridge club meeting and wait until one of the ladies mentions a trip to Miami, then you climb up her leg until you find a warm moist spot, and you travel there." The next year Hal happened to run into Sam on the beach, and Sam was sick again. "Well I tried your method," he explained," I went to a bridge club meeting, found a lady going to Miami, climbed up her leg until I found a warm moist spot. On the way to Miami she stopped in Washington D.C., I fell asleep, and when I woke up I was in some fellow's mustache, riding to Miami on a motorcycle." Rate This Joke: 3 (  +  |   -   ) First Blow Job 08.12.05 One day George walked into a bar. On one of the stools there was a man with thirteen shots lined up in front of him. George asked the man what the occasion was and he replied 'I just had my first blow-job'. George, being the nice guy that he is makes him an offer. 'Wow, that is a occasion. Let me buy you another one.' But before George can get his money on the table the man says `no thanks, if thirteen shots can't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.' Rate This Joke: 1 (  +  |   -   ) Back to Main | Submit a Joke | Sex Joke Archives Copyright ©2008 www.dumweb.com, All Rights Reserved